This past weekend was one of those rare gifts: both of my boys were home. One is eight years old—endlessly energetic—and the other just graduated from college. Having them under the same roof is something I treasure… though, as any parent knows, it comes with its share of noise and brotherly chaos, even with the age difference.
Now, I know boys will be boys. And part of their love language often includes mercilessly needling each other for sport. But this weekend, the frequency and volume started to test my limits.
When “Play” Turns Into Policing
The pattern was predictable: though there was no malice intended, the older one would initiate just enough mischief to provoke a reaction. Then, as expected, the younger one would overreact—yelling, threatening, or kicking in frustration.
That’s when the rulebook came out. I heard the older one instruct:
“No hitting!”
“No kicking!”
“No (inappropriate) threats!”
My older son was laying down the law, one line at a time, and while the instructions were valid, he was taking away every defense mechanism his eight-year-old opponent might reach for.
When the Coach Needs Coaching
Eventually, I stepped in—not just because I wanted the noise to stop (although let’s be honest, sometimes parents just want peace and quiet)—but because something felt off. Imbalanced.
That’s when I got accused of “coddling” the little one.
Apparently, I was interfering with what the men in my house called “emotional intelligence training.” According to them, this was part of guy code—a form of real-world resilience training. The theory? This dynamic would prepare him for locker rooms, sports teams, middle school, battlefields and beyond.
And while I’m all for resilience and learning to hold your own…
Trial by Fire Isn’t the Same as Teaching
Let’s be clear: whether at home, school, or work, if someone can’t articulate what the lesson is or show how they’ve grown, it’s not teaching—it’s just trial by fire.
And if you keep throwing them into the same difficult situation without helping them develop new tools or strategies to succeed—even with the best of intentions—it stops being tough love.
Eventually, it starts to feel like bullying.
I pushed back:
“If you're going to take away all his tools, you need to give him at least one that is allowed. Otherwise, what do you expect him to do?”
Clarity: The Missing Ingredient in Many Leadership Styles
It reminded me of military boot camp—a timely metaphor, considering it was Memorial Day weekend. Boot camp is famously intense. Its purpose is to break recruits down and build them back up as soldiers, ready with the necessary survival skills for warfare.
But even in boot camp, there’s a method to the madness.
- There are standards.
- There are clear expectations.
- There are tools provided to help recruits succeed—because when the mission matters, there’s no room for guesswork.
That’s the difference between genuine tough love and what feels like hazing or sabotage.
Because when people are sent into the same frustrating situation again and again, with no map and no model for success, they eventually shut down.
The result? They begin to dread entering that space, because no one has shown them how to change the outcome for the better.
Where Else Does This Show Up in Leadership?
Let’s zoom out for a moment. Where else do we see this kind of leadership gap?
- In performance reviews, where employees are told they’re not exceeding expectations but are given no definition of what exceeding looks like.
- In team meetings, where someone’s ideas are shut down without constructive feedback or suggestions for improvement.
- In self-talk, where we assume others “should know better by now,” even though we’ve never clearly articulated our expectations.
If that’s the case, then maybe the issue isn’t their performance—it’s our communication.
Helping leaders learn to re-evaluate their current approaches and navigate difficult conversations with greater finesse and effectiveness is one of the most common topics we address in executive coaching.
Leadership Communication Requires Emotional Intelligence
I’m not suggesting we spoon-feed solutions. I believe in stretch goals. I believe in letting people figure things out. But I also believe in emotional intelligence for leaders—the kind that recognizes when the current approach just isn’t working.
Because in every arena—whether it’s the boardroom, the classroom, the family room, or the battlefield—true leadership demands clarity.
- If you’re going to take something away, offer an alternative.
- If you want someone to succeed, show them what success looks like—operationalize it.
- If you're asking people to “toughen up,” first make sure they’re not simply trying to survive a game they were never taught to play.
In Honor of Memorial Day: Let’s Lead Better
This Memorial Day, I found myself reflecting not just on those who served, but on how they were led—with clarity, courage, and purpose.
Let’s follow that example.
Let’s be the kind of leader, mentor, coach, parent, or colleague we wish we had when we were struggling to figure things out.
Don’t make them read your mind.
Just tell them what they need to know.
