On stage a few weeks ago, I polled the audience, with a little ironic drip in my voice:
“By show of hands,” I asked, “how many of you have ever been told that you come across as a little too aggressive? A little too abrasive? Maybe even… intimidating?”
About 90% of the room shot their hands in the air, with a bit of bitter laughter and a few voices calling out things like, “Helloooo!”
With feigned surprise, I answered, “Oh, you mean it's not just me?”
It was an easy and powerful way to get to the heart of a common challenge we were about to tackle in the rest of the keynote, but its success also depended entirely on one thing: it was a women's conference.
That’s because in 18 years of coaching and training, those specific accusations are some of the most frequent frustrations voiced by female clients… but never once has a male client complained about receiving that specific feedback.
It resonated perfectly with this demographic; it wouldn’t have connected with a mixed audience.
After all, as I describe in Speaking to Influence: Mastering Your Leadership Voice, in my Three Cs of Executive Presence, that’s C #2:
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- Command the Room
- Connect with the Audience
- Close the Deal
The underlying principles I teach in any keynote are generally consistent. But the way in which I teach them, including:
- the case studies I use
- the stories I share
- the examples and details I include
- the jokes I tell
- my mannerisms
- right down to what I choose to wear
all depend on the context and the audience.
At a women's conference, especially one for senior women leaders, a hot pink blazer is a fun power color. And a well-timed, tongue-in-cheek comment about certain biological changes we experience at different stages of life is met with guffaws.
In contrast, at an IT conference where the audience is 75% men and the energy of the room is a bit more subdued (at least initially), that same pink blazer might come across as distracting, unrelatable, or even attention-seeking.
And there's no way I'd make a menopause joke, no matter how well it might otherwise fit the moment.
Last week, we talked about leaving your “boss voice” at the office so you don't run dinner like a quarterly review. Do you know when and how to make the shift?
Why Does One Communication Style Fail in So Many Rooms?
Because every room needs something different from you, and a single style can only deliver one thing.
Think about a typical week… or even day:
- The board meeting
- A 1:1 with a nervous new hire
- A tense negotiation
- Dinner with your family.
Same you, but four different audiences needing four different aspects of you: Authoritative, reassuring, firm, or relaxed…
If you can’t shift, it’s like being a car stuck in fifth gear: it feels great on the highway, but not when pulling into the garage.
Isn't Adapting Your Communication Style Just Being Fake?
No. It's knowing your audience.
When I use more food and cooking metaphors at a culinary industry event, or medical analogies and puns (some clever, others deliberately groan-worthy) at a pharmaceutical convention, it's merely translating my content so it resonates better, verbally and stylistically, with the people in the room.
The hot pink blazer and the black turtleneck are both mine. They both live in my closet, and I have the right, the power and the prerogative to choose which one to wear for which event and which audience, no matter which I like better in general.
The same goes for my stories. They're all part of my repertoire, and I get to choose which ones to share with whom. If I want to throw out a pun just to see how big a groan I can get, I own that content, too, even if it’s an ad lib on the fly.
Yes, I may have to do a little more homework to identify new and appropriate pharmaceutical references, while culinary references are a natural part of my daily vocabulary. That doesn't make it inauthentic.
It means I'm expanding my repertoire – and my sphere of influence – all in service of the audience: helping them achieve their goals, not running my agenda on them at their expense.
That is the key distinction between manipulation and positive influence.
The leader who shows up exactly the same in every context isn't more authentic. They're just less effective in every room that doesn't happen to match their default preference.
The moment you can recognize your default, you get a choice you didn't have before: stay in it, or shift. That choice is the entire skill.
Where Does the Shift Actually Happen?
Changing gears happens across any or all of the three channels of communication.
- Verbal (the words). The message can stay the same while the framing flexes. “Here's the decision” for the board. “Walk me through your thinking” for the new hire. Analogies, stories, tact, jargon… it all has an effect.
- Vocal (how you sound). The same sentence at a clipped, urgent pace lands as pressure; slowed and warmed, it lands as support. Volume, tonality, speed… they all matter.
- Visual (how you appear). Facial expressions, posture, eye contact, accessories, hand gestures, fidgeting…your body announces your gear before you say a word. (Your blazer does, too.)
Can You Learn to Adapt Your Communication Style?
Yes. Range isn't a gift some lucky people are born with. It's a skill: knowing your default, reading the room, and adjusting your voice and presence, both necessarily and deliberately.
It's exactly what we build in executive communication coaching and team training programs, so you can hit all Three Cs in any room with anyone, from the boardroom to the dinner table.
If you feel like you’re stuck in one gear (First? Fifth? Park? Reverse?), let's build you a few more.
The strongest leaders aren't the ones with the loudest single voice. They're the ones who know exactly which voice each room needs, and have the range to speak into it.
