When I was 16 years old, my grandmother gave me the gift of a lifetime: she took me to Santiago, Chile, to meet her side of the family—my family.
I had two years of high school Spanish under my belt and a healthy dose of teenage curiosity, which somehow helped me stumble my way through conversations with second cousins I’d never met before. That trip sparked a lifelong love of languages, cultures, and people—and, in hindsight, helped shape my confidence in ways I didn’t understand at the time.
This past weekend, over three decades later, I had the joy of attending the wedding of one of those cousins, who now lives in Houston. A dozen relatives flew in from Santiago. Some I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager; others, I was meeting for the first time.
During a pre-wedding brunch, I found myself sitting in the middle of a long table, translating between some English-speakers and Spanish-speakers as necessary.
At one point, one of my newly-met Chilean cousins looked at me and asked point-blank, “Why is your Spanish so good?”
I laughed, because while my Spanish used to be really good, now it’s rusty at best and grammatically sloppy.
I started to say something along those lines when her sister cut me off and declared, “Es porque no tiene miedo!” (“It’s because she’s not afraid!”)
Then she turned to her teenagers beside her and said, “See? Don’t worry about being perfect, just speak! That’s how you get better.”
There it was. The real-life version of the pep talk we so often try to give ourselves at work and at home—but don’t always believe.
The Perfectionism Trap
Most of the time, perfectionism isn’t about excellence; it’s about fear of failure.
More precisely, it’s about the fear of public failure, judgment, rejection, and being deemed unworthy.
Perfectionism becomes a noble-sounding excuse to hold back, convincing ourselves that if we can’t guarantee perfection, it’s safer not to try at all.
- So we don’t speak up in meetings unless we’ve rehearsed the perfect question.
- We don’t volunteer for a stretch assignment
- We don’t raise our hands for promotions, to lead initiatives, or present our ideas.
This mindset doesn’t just rob us of opportunity—it starves the organization of our potential.
Of course, there IS a time and place for perfection.
Open-heart surgery? Yes. Spacecraft trajectory planning? Absolutely.
Our reptilian brains, however, haven’t evolved to distinguish between those high-stakes risks and the kind of social vulnerability in most workplace moments.
So we freeze. We delay. We play small.
But what’s even worse than the fear of failure?
The Fear of Success
It sounds counterintuitive, but the fear of success is just as real—and just as paralyzing.
Why? Because it’s just fear of failure in disguise.
If you succeed in leading that big project, giving that high-stakes presentation, or securing that promotion… then what?
Then expectations go up. The pressure increases. The target moves. Every win becomes a setup for an even greater fall.
So some people play it safe. “If I don’t rise too high,” the subconscious logic goes, “I can’t fall too far.” That mindset may feel protective, but it’s actually imprisoning.
When Leaders Model Fear Disguised as Perfectionism
Here’s the kicker: When you put yourself in that prison, you take others with you.
If you’re in any sort of leadership role and you hide behind a façade of perfection, you’re setting a dangerous standard for everyone around you, which says:
- There’s only one right way to do everything
- vulnerability isn’t safe
- asking questions makes you look stupid
- mistakes are fatal
You might say you want your team to take risks, be “authentic,” and stretch themselves—but if you never model that behavior, your words ring hollow.
That’s not leadership. That’s hypocrisy.
The Antidote to Fear
The goal isn’t to be fearless, it’s to be courageous. Courage means feeling the fear, and doing the thing anyway, such as
- Speaking Spanish with rusty grammar because the conversation and connection mattered more than the syntax
- Contributing to the discussion without thinking you have to single-handedly come up with “the” answer
- Throwing your hat in the ring for the promotion even if you can’t guarantee the outcome, and know it would require a steep learning curve
- Saying “I don’t know, but I’m willing to figure it out” in front of your team—so they know they’re allowed to say it too.
If any part of this hits home for you, it might be time to recalibrate.
This isn’t about being reckless or unprepared.
It’s about choosing progress over perfection.
Authentic leadership over curated images.
Growth over fear.
That’s why in executive coaching, especially as part of career and succession planning, one of the biggest mindset shifts we work on is overcoming both the fear of failure and the fear of success – two sides of the same coin.
It’s also a fundamental part of my Quantum Leap program: to help you break through self-imposed limits at every stage of the job search—from networking to interviews, negotiations to onboarding—with clarity, confidence, and courage. No perfectionism required or allowed.
So if you’re ready to stop using perfection as an excuse to hide, and start taking action—imperfect, inspired, courageous action—let’s talk.
Because as my cousin said:
Don’t worry about being perfect, just (try) it. That’s how you get better.
