Maddie was what you might call a “no-nonsense” boss.
Of course, YOU might have called her that, but what her direct reports were more inclined to call her was significantly less charitable.
The CEO brought me in to work with Maddie because even though she was a terrific producer, with meticulously high standards, and clients loved her, her feedback and disagreement style with her direct reports and peers was creating a toxic atmosphere and company culture.
Sure, lots of people consider themselves to be “straight shooters” who “don’t sugar coat,” and “call it like they see it.” And yes, at times it can feel a bit gruff to some listeners.
But when something didn’t meet Maddie’s standards, her style of feedback tended to leave bodies in her wake, e.g.:
“Are you trying to get me fired by giving me this [expletive]? Are you lazy or just stupid?”
If that made you bristle just reading it, imagine how it felt to be the one hearing it.
In a recent Harvard Business Review article, “When Feedback Crosses the Line,” authors Bin Zhao, Rebecca L. Dunkailo, Judith Clair and Ryan L. Boyd acknowledge the importance of negative (i.e. corrective) feedback, but are clear that it is only helpful to the receiver when it’s delivered constructively.
In contrast, when negative feedback feels humiliating, dismissive, unfair, or personal, it often has the opposite effect: it damages confidence, trust, performance, and retention.
The 5 most harmful forms of destructive criticism
The authors identified five common patterns that make feedback especially damaging:
- No corrective guidance
This is the most common (and often the most frustrating) problem. People are told what was wrong, but not why it was wrong or what to do differently next time. - False or unfair criticism
Feedback based on incomplete or inaccurate information makes employees feel misjudged and undervalued, and it destroys the credibility of the manager. - Dismissiveness or contempt
Eye rolls, scoffing, condescension, yelling, or a hostile tone can make even valid feedback feel toxic, generating more resentment and resistance than compliance. - Character attacks
Comments that imply the person is lazy, stupid, useless, or “the problem” create shame rather than growth. - Public shaming
Criticism – particularly of the above varieties – delivered in front of others, including in meetings or group emails, is especially damaging and teaches everyone else to stay quiet and avoid risk.
Maddie’s particular style of destructive feedback – as in the aforementioned example – usually incorporated at least three or four if not all five at once.
If this sounds painfully familiar – whether your own habit or someone’s from your team – feel free to drop me a line here.
Why people give destructive feedback
The irony is that most of the time, people who deliver destructive criticism are not intentionally trying to hurt the other person, even when it feels like that’s their singular goal. The article explains that some of the most common reasons people give destructive feedback include:
- time pressure and stress
- lack of training
- emotional leak
- the mistaken belief that harshness builds motivation
- bias or discrimination disguised as “honesty”
As I worked with Maddie, it turned out that she learned to “hold people to higher standards” in that way because that was how her father had raised her. Shame and insults were his (and later her) way of saying, “I know you can do better than this!” (See reason no.4 above)
She had been conditioned to think that way for as long as she could remember.
When this bit of information came out, I asked her: “How did it make you feel when he spoke to you like that?”
“I hated it!” she blurted out.
I followed up: “Do you think he could have made his points without verbally cutting you down like that?”
“Of course! But he never did.”
Which also meant that while she conceptually believed that it was possible, she had never consciously observed or been aware of receiving similar feedback in a more positive, constructive manner.
In other words, she didn’t have a model of what that would have looked or sounded like (see reason number 2 above).
Of course, I’m quite sure that her boss (who hired me) used a far more constructive approach to feedback with her and others, but it never registered consciously as a contrasting model.
Maddie and I had some work to do, and that was the turning point.
What leaders should do instead
The article recommends five key practices for leaders who want to master the ability to give feedback that people are both willing and able to receive:
- Set clear boundaries for what feedback must never do: humiliate, shame, punish, or attack character.
- Use a 3-part structure: describe the specific behavior, explain why it matters, and give a clear next step.
- Pause before responding when emotions are high.
- Repair quickly if feedback lands badly by acknowledging harm and rebuilding trust.
- Check for bias by grounding feedback in observable behaviors and shared standards, not personal impressions.
These are great guidelines for framing the content and structure of the feedback, i.e. the words you say.
The next and equally important step is ensuring those words are delivered effectively.
The Importance of Aligning Content and Delivery
I’ve written myriad times about the importance of alignment between words, voice and body language to increase credibility and buy-in.
That’s why Maddie and I started by learning to distinguish between when her words focused on objective corrections vs subjective judgments or personal attacks.
Then we worked on how those words were delivered, vocally keeping her volume at a more conversational and less combative level, and visually resisting the urge to do things like rolling her eyes or waving her arms in exasperation.
The next time we met, Maddie had just come from a meeting with someone with whom she had experienced constant friction.
“I can’t believe it,” she said. “I tried what you and I talked about, and it was the most productive conversation I’ve ever had with him!”
If your version of “no-nonsense” is received more as “take no prisoners,” try these steps instead.
Remember what Howard Newton famously said: “Tact is the ability to make a point without making an enemy.”
From there, you’ll be amazed at what becomes possible.
